That is a big issue for me and it has taken me my whole life to learn and still learning even now.
As a hard of hearing child, I was not able to be apart of the world, because I could not hear it, so I became very isolated and self taught of what I thought the world should be. The one thing I learned was, that no one takes care of me, but me.
I stuggled with my life, fighting for every inch of survival I could, trying to make a place for myself in this world, for I believed that no one was there to help you, but you.
This is very hard to unlearn. It prevented me from becoming a christian for many years, because who would want to follow and trust a God in the Sky that no one had ever seen. How could he help.
So, even though the doctrines pulled me into the SDA church and logic told me that this was correct and true, I still had much to learn about having a trusting relationship with God.
Everytime someone would say Heavenly Father, I would cringe, thinking of my own incestual father. How could I trust Him? I could accept Him as a God, a Lord, A saviour and a confidant, but as my father, as a friend and my helpmate in life, I would have nothing of that. No I was going to still take care of myself, even though the overwhelming evidence was against me.
Looking back I cannot count the times God had come to my rescue over and over again and still I could not trust him. To put yourself totally in the hands of another being, even if that being was God, was frightening to me.
How could He, I was not good enough to deserve it, no less ask for help. I would talk to God about everything, but never share myself with Him. That would be too dangerous.
It is when you come to a point and experience in your life that you find out that you just cannot fix it, make it better or make it go away. God has to wait until you get to that point before He can do anything with you, even though you have accepted His power over your eternal life, you still have to work at letting him take over the little things in your life.
It was those little things, piling up over the years that came to a head and there I was face to face with my God.
Now He says, Liane let me. It came to that point in my life. The food was not fixing it, the tears were not fixing it, the years of therapy were not fixing it. I had reached the point of no return.
It was now going to be His way nor no way at all. That moment of surrender, as fleeting as it was, became an eternal one for me. For now I know that I would be able to be in the presence of a living God. Before that I would not have been able to, even though I had accepted all the other aspects of my life with Him, it was that moment of surrender that He needed from me the most.
Now I know that he can take care of me and I can let him do that. That is faith. Do the words Heavenly Father still cause me to cringe, yes it does, but time will take care of that as well. it is enough that I accept Him as my friend.
Liane