Hi All,
I wrote this to post to the any other way to be saved thread on the SDA forum but when I asked Ralph for approval because of its length I was told that there wasn’t a place for this type of post on that forum. I am putting it here because it is also my testimony of some of what Jesus has done for me.
I was born and raised in a home full of anger and psychological abuse. Any independent thought was not only unwanted, but punished severely. I remember being thrown out of the house for the night when I was 7 years old, simply for being right and refusing to admit that wrong was right. Whippings for nothing more than making the same joke my dad made an hour earlier. I grew to hate the man. I learned to isolate my feelings and thoughts inside myself simply to survive.
The outworking of this was that by the time I was a teenager, I had no idea of who I was created to be. When I graduated from high school I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life so I went to work in the sawmills and got heavily involved in drugs to ease the pain that was then so deeply buried that I didn’t know where it came from. Drugs were like finding nirvana to me. I had found that which allowed me to function for a short period of time without pain. Unfortunately, all that glitters is not gold.
Ten years of staying high all my waking hours, multiple bad acid trips during which in some of them I watched my mind float out the window not to come back left me a total emotional and spiritual wreck. I was barely capable of holding down a menial job. I couldn’t even manage a working relationship with another human being. My world was one of anxiety, fear and paranoia.
During this time by older brother came by to see me and he tells me I didn’t even recognize him. Satan had completely destroyed someone that God had created to serve Him and be a blessing. I was held in chains of sin, which I could not break. I longed to have a life, but didn’t know how. I longed to be happy but didn’t know what it was.
I tore up my ankle playing basketball one Sabbath afternoon while high. I had no savings, and was unable to do the little I had been doing to support myself. I was forced to go live with my parents in the backwoods of northwestern Montana. I took what few drugs I had left with me and got high on the bus ride to Montana.
It was the dead of winter in Yaak, Montana. There was probable 4 feet of snow on the ground so there wasn’t much for a burned out hippie with torn ligaments in his ankle to do, so I began to do what I had done to escape before I had found drugs. I began to read. I read everything my parents had in the house that was secular. I even read the entire set of World Book Encyclopedias that winter. I ran out secular things to read so I began to read the Conflict of the Ages Series. I remember thinking, I like the history that Ellen White always made come alive, so I’ll just read the stories. Needless to say, you can’t read her writings without being introduced to Jesus. I would read her books late at night so my parents wouldn’t know what I was reading. Funny thing was, by the time I got less than half way through the Desire of Ages I had found a God that I never knew existed. A personal God who loved me, just as I was, and called me to come to Him for healing and salvation.
I listened to that call and I was rebaptised that spring in the Libby, Montana church. I had the pleasure of introducing people to Jesus that very spring and summer. Oh what pleasure, greater than any high I had ever known!
There is a but to this story though. As I began to live this life, wonderful life that Jesus had opened my eyes to I found that the devil didn’t appreciate my newfound freedom from him. He came to me one night and told me I was his. I had told him, during the dark days of despair, that I would be his and he came to claim his property.
I was lying on the couch watching the clouds float across the moon, when all of a sudden I wasn’t lying in bed. I was in a long dark hall with a table down the center of it. The table stretched from my end of the room to a fireplace at the other end of the room. There were people with long dark robes with hoods on them, all facing away from me on either side of the table. At the opposite end of the table somebody else stood gazing into the fire. He turned around, locked eyes with me, crooked his finger and began saying, you’re mine, you’re mine. I began to float across that room right over the top of that table. I got within inches of his eyes and the realization flashed through me that this was a one time, no return experience. The devil was going to claim me as his if I didn’t object. I yelled NO and suddenly I was back in my parent’s living room lying on the couch again. The hair on my body was all standing on end. I have never known such fear. I rolled over and began praying. I told the Lord that I had gotten myself into this position, but I couldn’t get myself out of it. I don’t know how long I prayed that night, but as I did, I could feel wingtips brush against my back. Some were warm, some cold. Finally, that struggle was over and the presence of God filled that room and peace flooded my heart. With tears in my eyes and running down my face, I thanked God for His love and watch care over me.
But, there is another but. I found that the habits I had formed through long years of debauchery and addiction were still there. I found myself struggling with my desires and my actions. I seemed helpless to acknowledge the Savior and Lord that I loved so dearly and owed my very life and sanity to. No matter how I tried not to do what I didn’t want to do I did it. I didn’t understand what was happening. I lost my faith in the intervening days, weeks, months and years. I knew I loved my Lord, but my actions didn’t match my heart. I believed that my actions and my faith would naturally spring out of my heart from my love for Jesus. That the fruit of obedience was automatic. I was oh so sadly wrong.
But, there is another but here. My heavenly Father began to slowly teach me about myself. I began to understand that even though I loved my Lord, I, like Peter before me, trusted to myself to overcome my habits and actions. I was doomed to failure in that.
I met a woman who, for some strange reason, could see things in me, that I couldn’t see in me, and got married. During this whole time, I drifted in and out of active drug addiction. I couldn’t stay clean for more that 8 to 10 months at a time and I did this time after time.
Being married and seeing my wife with her kids and the love and compassion she showed to them began to bring back the memories of my growing up. The pain resurfaced and I spent many nights lying in bed with an almost unutterable pain in my heart. I began using again after about a year of no use. One of my friends, who was also had big dependency problems, and I used to get drunk and high together all the time. We would sit outside at night and talk about life and drugs. During those nights I began to realize that I was an addict. I remember telling him so and he just laughed and said, What’s the matter with addiction. He ended up going to jail for DWI’s and when he got out the courts said he had to go into an alcohol dependency, inpatient treatment program.
He told me that he could do thirty days standing on his head and he would see me in thirty days and we would go out and party when he got out. He got out and I went over with some drugs and said OK, lets get high. I was flabbergasted when he said no. I tried to talk him into it again and he still said no. I just couldn’t believe it. I would go over and visit him and he always said no, he didn’t choose to do that anymore.
I went to a NA meeting one Friday night with him out of curiosity. I wanted to see what it was that would make this guy, who had the worst drinking problem that I had known of, not drink or get high anymore. I sat in that meeting that night and heard what sounded like my own story come from at least 10 or 12 other people. I admitted in that room that night that I truly was an addict. I learned to work the steps. I learned to choose. I learned how to communicate my fears and hurts to another person. I learned the true power of the human will. I learned what real, basic, Christianity is all about. Not one based on feelings, but upon choice. I could want to use, feel like using, all of that, but if I chose not to and trusted to God for the power. I didn’t have to use. I learned to start doing what God asked me to do and then I found the power to obey. I had to learn to just choose to obey and then the power is mine. This was not an easy lesson to learn. My past failures hung around my neck like a millstone. But, and here is another one. I learned that God was to be trusted to keep His word. When I would choose, God would supply the power.
Addiction and sin are synonyms to me. Both lead on a downward path. Both end in death. Both are like cancers, eating you alive. Both will destroy you for this lifetime and the lifetime to come. Both destroy your relationships with others. Both can be overcome through the power of an indwelling God.
I can go to God and say, OK Lord, you promised me the power. Here are the promises you made to me. I know all I have is failure to look back on when I try to do it myself. I, can’t do it by myself. I can’t quit doing these sins alone. But, you promised that if I choose not to that you would help. And He does.
The choice is mine, to either choose not to sin or to choose to sin. The choice is mine to trust Him or not to trust Him to provide the power to obey. There are many times in the last few years where I have simply had to say, Lord, I don’t understand, I don’t see where you want me to go or why you want me to do this, but I will just because I trust you.
I have found by deep heart wrenching experience that my Heavenly Father is not like my earthly one was. My earthly one would not permit independent thought. He would not permit choice. His way of doing things was to take my choice and replace it with his choice. My Heavenly Father allows me to choose. He teaches me to think and wants me to.
My heart goes out in love to my Heavenly Father for the respect and love He shows me in allowing me the things that me earthly father would not. The way of one father led to destruction and humiliation. The way of the other leads to self respect, humility, and a deep, burning desire to serve Him who loves enough to allow and encourage, thought, choice, and growth. So when you tell me that my Heavenly Father wants to come in and take my choice away. That He wants make me into the automaton my earthly father wanted, I say NO. Our Heavenly Father loves us too much, way too much to do that to us.
When you tell me that to follow on in sin after I met Jesus would not and does not affect my salvation, I say NO. Anybody who will tell me that does not know or understand the destructiveness of sin. That person also does not know the regeneration possible through the power of God.
Through the power of sin I went from a kid, who in the 8th grade with no special training was reading over a 1000 words a minute with 95% comprehension to somebody who could barely hold down a menial job.
Through the power of God I went from somebody who could barely hold down a menial job to someone who scores in the 90 to 95th percentile in all the tests I have taken from counselors looking to help me see what I am capable of doing in schooling and life. NEVER TELL ME WHAT CAN'T HAPPEN THROUGH THE POWER OF A LOVING, INDWELLING GOD.
Your brother in Christ, Gary