Thanks for these testimonies. You've inspired me to post mine.
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I grew up in a christian family, yet didn't know Christ until I was 24. My parents were strong in the faith, and lovely people. My Dad was a teacher and lay preacher. I was shown love and care as a child. I was baptized in my church when I was 13; but I didn't yet know Jesus Christ. I was baptized because my father wanted me to, and the minister wanted to meet his baptismal quota. In all probability, I didn't understand exactly what I was committing to.
I drifted along through my teen years. I knew the Bible. I could argue theological points. I taught the Bible. Once I even preached a sermon. When I was 17, I began to feel God might want me to enter the ministry. I certainly did not want to do that. I had just begun university, studying linguistics. I had recently begun courting a girlfriend, Tammy, whom I knew I would marry. I didn't want to complicate my life; nor extend the period of time till I was earning money. I ran from God. I shut Him out of my life. Tammy and I even stopped going to church for the social connection once our first child was born. I felt separated from Christians; strangely uncomfortable in talking about spiritual matters. I could not even communicate with my grandparents.
I was successful at university. I was successful at earning an income. I was motivated and driven. I graduated with a BA in Linguistics with 1st Class Honors; and I earned a six figure salary at age 21. But it took long, long hours. I earned lots of money; and spent most of it building my business. I worked from 2:00am till 6:00pm five days a week, and from 9:00am till 6:00pm on Sundays. Saturdays I slept. This lifestyle began extracting an excruciating toll on my life and marriage.
I became withdrawn from my wife. Completely uncommunicative. Robotic. She was there to serve me. I became increasingly self-centered. Little by little, the morality with which I had been socially imbued became degraded. My character looked inward. Unwittingly, I began destroying my wife's self-esteem, and began evaluating everyone on the basis of what they could do for me. My marriage was at a breaking point. When my wife begged for us to see a counselor, I told her to wait until I had finished my current project (3 months hence). Despite my self-obsession, she waited. The sin-sickness with which I was embroiled was destroying myself and my family. God could see I needed healing.
My company began moving me from Sydney, Australia, to Atlanta, Georgia. In Atlanta, I observed a Southern Baptist who loves God dearly. I saw that he prayed over his lunch in front colleagues. I began to feel a sense of shame: shame that this man loves God from the depths of his heart and I did not. God began to pull at my heart-strings. Gently.
I returned to Australia to assemble my household for the final move. While I was there, I found I was suddenly able to communicate with my grandparents again. I confided that God was drawing me. Grandpa told me to study Romans. I read through it. I forced myself through it. I had never read a complete book of the Bible before, and it was hard going. (Despite being extremely literate: reading hundreds of pages of other material with ease.) When I finished, I thought I understood Romans: "We accept Jesus Christ's gift by faith, and then we try really hard not to sin ... and where we fail, God makes up the difference."
I tried not to sin. I tried to beat the animalistic urges that I had indulged previously. I earnestly prayed that God would help me to beat this sin. I failed. And failed. And failed. I wondered why God wasn't making up the lack between my effort and obedience.
Then I happened to read a book called "Righteousness by Faith and Your Will" (by Morris Venden). I learned that justification, sanctification and even repentance are issued to us through God's grace; that they are activated in our life through a seed of faith that He places within us ... and that He can help us believe should we ask Him to (Mark 9:24). Suddenly, the scales fell from my eyes. Bible reading became a joy: I read book after book after book, becoming almost maniacally obsessed with reading the Bible and grasping at ideas and truths that I had never understood. Where before I had seen nothing but a tired old book written in a schematic and antiquated fashion, now I began to perceive current truth. Now, God began to speak to me through the Bible. (I found that sometimes, when reading a certain passage, God would make it jump out at me. Kind of like hitting me over the head with a two-by-four, saying, "This is for you.")
I learned the importance of daily devotions: to find God's will and His power. I learned how to achieve victory over sin: by giving over my desire to sin to God.
I began to see miracles. I made a bargain with God: "If You want me to spend time with You each morning, then You wake me up in time." He did. At first, He gave me only 15 minutes of worship time before my children woke. Then it stretched to to 30 minutes. Then 45. An hour. 90 minutes. God has woken me for devotions each morning for the last six months now.
Another miracle. I began praying for my two daughters: that God would impress them to follow Him. The second day after beginning that request, God showed Himself. My eldest daughterÂcompletely without promptingÂbegan to ask for us to say grace before a meal. (We had never prayed with her. We had never said grace in front of her.) The next week, she asked her mother to say "grace" before going to bed. (How did she know about that? It's a God thing.)
After a while, the intensely inspiring relationship with God began to mellow. You might use the word blase. Hey! I thought I was getting along OK. But I know I am meant to be riddled with sin-sickness. I know I am, yet I couldn't see it. One night, I lay awake asking God to show me His perception of me. I began to earnestly desire and plead and beg Him to show me who I am. Wish a rush of power I felt this feeling intensify. I was emotionally struggling with another power. I felt God's presence. He worked another miracle: Over the next 56 hours, God revealed to me my true motivations. Almost everything I was doing was tinged with selfishness. I felt aghast and horrified, yet praised God for drawing close to me. I have never felt closer to God. Eventually, I asked that God withdraw this perception from me. He graciously did so. I was humbled. Broken. Utterly dependent on God.
Now I am ready for healing. Now I am ready for God to change me. Now I am ready for God to heal the scars my sin-sick self-centeredness had caused. The seven long years of pursuing money, ideas and selfish desires had wreaked a toll. But now God has brought me to a point where He can heal me and those around me.
Now and then, during my devotional time, God presents a fault to me. Something He wants changed in my life. When I try really hard to change, I fail. When I ask God to change my desire completely, he does. He rescues me from the slavery of my habits, so that I am left on a level playing groundÂwhere I can choose to obey or not. By depending on God, I can obey. Jesus grants me this power.
I could tell you a whole lot more about what has happened to me in the last six months. I have been invigorated, filled with joy, struggled with pain and grief, seen numerous miracles, had prayers answered, been rebuked and correctedÂall with the arms of my Savior wrapped around me, lovingly empowering me. But the greatest miracle of all is this: Yesterday, my wife and I smiled and laughed and hugged and cried and truthfully laid out the hurts of our hearts. She is starting to live again, and we are being healed.
I beg you, If you don't yet know Jesus as your Savior, leader and personal friend, just talk to Him, then listen. My life had became hell without Him. Yet these last six months, I have begun to live. So can you.
[This message has been edited by loryn (edited 06-16-2000).]